Nursing

Our Nursing Journey

Nursing! For Samara and I the beginning was really difficult. She has a slight tongue tie and so when she was super new and neither of us knew what we were doing it was a big problem. I also hadn't known to buy a good nipple cream and so by the time I was told, my nipples were raw, scabbing and so sore I would cry when she latched and I had to take Tylenol in order to handle the pain. After the midwife found out she prescribed a medical nipple cream and that did wonders as it promoted fast healing and also helped keep new damage at bay. As Samara and I worked on finding a system that worked for us things got easier as well because we had better latches and that helped with lesser damage as well.

We tried so many different holds before we settled on one that worked for us. And to be honest it took a while for it to work on both sides. My brain would be able to get her to latch well on one side but not the other. For some reason I couldn't hold her the same on one side and then replicate it on the other. It was SO frustrating. We also had to work through mastitis and I had tissue that hadn't come out at the delivery that made me really sick at the same time. I had a huge fever and had to go on medication for the mastitis and thankfully the tissue came out naturally or I would have needed a DnC.

For you new moms I would say that for nursing, if you are offering your breast to your baby every 2 -3 hours and your baby is having enough wet/poopy diapers then you're doing great. If not, just offer your breast more often. If your baby is falling asleep while nursing you can try changing their diaper, tickling their feet or taking off some of their layers of clothing. Remember that all babies are different and some will eat more, some less and as long as those numbers for their diapers are adding up you don't need to worry.

Now nursing is great. She latches on no problem, she nurses for about 10 mins and then she's full. She is an easy burper and doesn't get gassy except on rare occasions. It was totally worth every tear, all of the pain and while it wasn't an easy skill to learn we have caught on and she's in the 98% for weight for her age. Every roll she has I love especially because I know that together we put it there.

Nursing is all about teamwork. You and the baby must learn to work together to figure out how to best go about it. Remember that the baby is new to EVERYTHING and that you are as well.

As for let downs mine are really strong and they hurt. Some women don't know when they are having them and others (like me) do. Watch your baby as it may be too much milk all at once and the baby might choke. Unlatch your baby from your nipple by sliding your finger into the side of their mouth and breaking the suction between your nipple and the babies mouth. Never yank your nipple out as you can cause serious damage! Then trust your baby to cough out the milk and suck in air. It can be scary for sure but as long as the baby is choking, coughing, crying ~ making sounds, they're breathing. If they are clearly having trouble call either the nurses hotline or 9-11 depending on the situation and get help.

Most of all, have fun! Nursing is so special between you and your baby. Your milk is nourishing as well as healing and quite amazing if you read up on it (even a little). Enjoy these snuggles and milky faces, these babes of ours are growing so quickly!

Keep seeking the healing and sunshine!
Love your friend,
Laura

POST PARTUM ~Day 1 and Beyond

Icepacks and Hormones, NOBODY TOLD ME THIS!

Hello,

I'm continuing with my story of after delivery / day 1 because there is still so much to say about it. There were great things about it; finally holding Samara, naming her, seeing all of my plans for her happen (Thank you God!) and there were hard things; the way our nursing journey started, nursing, my postpartum body, all of the unknowns...

Let's talk about those, the unknowns. I hadn't known how much damage a baby could do coming out. I had 3 degree tearing (the worst you can have are fourth degree tears), swelling, stitches, hormone changes etc. Nobody tells you that you will be given a bag of Tylenol and stool softeners as well as ice packs to sit on for the first 24 hours. Nobody tells you that you'll be discharged right away but advised to stay for at least 24 hours in case you start to hemorrhage. Nobody tells you that going to the bathroom can potentially be terrifying. And nobody tells you that you will not care if your husband sees you pee because he's going to be going to the bathroom with you to put the ice pack in your new underwear and he's going to help you get the IV pole into the bathroom with you and he's going to make sure you make it to and from the bed to bathroom and vice versa because you feel like you've been in a car accident. However, if somebody did tell you, would you really believe them? Best of all is you no longer care. When I was delivering Samara it was such an intimate moment and I had requested only women in my room at all times, except for my husband, and I'm so glad I did because while who was in my room didn't matter at the time because all of my focus was on getting her out, I think it would have bothered me later. I am a super private person but in that moment of birthing the only thing that matters is your baby and safely delivering her/him. As for my husband accompanying me to the toilet I didn't care about that either. I needed him to get those icepacks for me and to make sure I didn't fall over and I knew it. Luckily for me he is a very kind and understanding sort of a man and so he was happy to do it. None of it freaked him out or grossed him out, he was along for the adventure, the good, the bad and the personal.

If your hospital doesn't provide icepacks to put in your pad make some! It helps with the swelling and pain so much I can't even tell you. They are beyond wonderful (if you are a man or have never given birth vaginally you will not understand and may even be offended at the rawness of my posts honesty, don't be, it's life) and I could have worn them for much longer but was advised against going longer than the first 24 hours by my nurse. Buy HUGE night time pads because you will need them for a few weeks post birth and you will not want to be fussing with any messes. Just being honest here.

July 6 ~ One week
Postpartum

38 weeks, right before I
delivered

Postpartum body. Expect to still look pregnant and let others to know what to expect as well. You will be much smaller compared to pre delivery but you will still have a pregnant looking stomach. Everything is soft. Also, you may have had the perfect pregnant belly but begin to notice some stretch marks after birth that you couldn't see before. Don't stress about them, love them. You just carried a baby in that beautiful tummy for 9 months (approximately). Be on the look out for muscle separation in your abdomen area around the six week mark if you start working out as if you have it then sit ups will not be for you. Do a little research, test your tummy and act accordingly. Your uterus will begin to contract and shrink back to its original size as your baby nurses, you may or may not feel this (uncomfortable possibly but not painful). In total I lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks. I lost 10 pounds post birth (so in a matter of minutes). I lost 10 pounds of water weight the second week and another 10 pounds after that (probably from the lack of sleep and eating all over the place). Make sure you eat and hydrate so your body can heal and produce milk for your new baby!!!

July 17 ~ Almost 3 Weeks
Postpartum

And Beyond...

Something else to know (or just think about) is if you have an IV for fluids your swelling is going to be a lot and it doesn't start to leave your body until around day 5. At the day 5 mark you should start having to pee a lot more and experience night sweats as your body rids you of all of the excess water you accumulated. I personally dropped ten pounds that week ~ it's was nuts.

The hormones are a menace! I think mine kicked in around day 2 and I went from being in awe to feeling ALL the feels. I would cry at everything, worry or have irrational fears about Samara, I had sleep insomnia, I had so much love in my heart I felt like it would run down my face in tears because it was flowing out of me (it did by the way). I wasn't depressed, I didn't have to deal with unattachment and my fears went away or were soothed by Raymond. I was really blessed in that I talked about them and he was able to talk me out of them or we prayed and allowed God's peace to take over, plus I took each thought and either kept it or told it to go. When the big scary thoughts come you can tell them to someone who can help you rationalize and you can also take a minute and decide if this thought can stay in your mind or if it needs to go. The thing is that it's okay to cry as long as you don't cry too much. It's okay to feel all of the feels and have the fears etc as long as they aren't controlling you or taking over you. If you can't stop crying or your thoughts and feelings are in control of you call someone right away and they will make sure you aren't alone and that you can get the prescription you need to help balance your hormones out. It was a really intense couple of weeks with the insane amounts of hormones flowing through me.

Whatever is going on make sure that you're getting enough sleep (it doesn't matter day or night, if your baby is sleeping you most likely should be too) as it will help you heal faster, be a better parent and partner. You'll get the hang of things soon enough. It's a steep learning curve and you're doing great!

Keep searching for the healing and sunshine,
Love your friend,
Laura

Visitor Etiquette

How To Be A Good Visitor

AS A NEW PARENT, don't assume that your visitors know how to hold your baby. Make sure they wash their hands, sit down and then safely pass the baby to them so that the baby is in a comfortable position with their head slightly back (not flopped forward) and supported. Pillows can be used to achieve the proper holding position. 

Disclaimer!

I want to state for the record that WE LOVED each and every visitor that we had. As you can tell by the pictures we were so loved, fed, spoiled and supported. If you have out of town visitors like I did make sure you are taking naps during the day when your baby is napping. If you are worried about leaving your baby with your visitors make sure your husband is with them or take your baby with you. As long as they get to see (and hopefully hold) the new baby they won't mind you both going for a nap. 

The first days/weeks were so tough! I had a visitor issue because all of our visitors were from out of town and so they would come and stay for hours instead of 30 mins or so. Instead of sleeping while they were here I would stay up and visit and make sure that Samara was being help properly and that she was being fed and changed at the right times. I SHOULD HAVE SLEPT! The thing is that when babies first come they are all turned about. They sleep during the day and are up a lot at night. This is because they are lulled to sleep by your movements when they're inside of you (when you're active in the daytime) and then they wake up and play when you lay down and go to sleep at night. So it takes a while for them to make the switch but it's difficult because as a new mom you're up with the visitors (and the baby is asleep) and then you have to be up with the baby at night. I was averaging about 2 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period for a week and started to go a little nutso. It didn't affect my relationship with my baby but it sure affected my husband. I had no patience for him and freaked out at any and everything. It was really hard. Once we figured out what was happening my sister came over a couple of times (all the way from Chilliwack) and held Samara so I could sleep.

For visitor etiquette I would say these things are helpful:

1. Plan on staying for about 30 mins or less. If they seem tired, cut your visit short.
2. Bring food (dinner is awesome but a snack to share if you're planning on eating while there is a must). Meals as well as baking are great choices. You can also make food and leave it at the house without going in to see the baby.
3. Wash your hands ~ if you are going to touch the baby or not, wash your hands as you'll be touching things in the house.
4. ASK if it's okay to hold the baby, do NOT assume you can or try and take the baby from his/her mother.
5. If you're sick or someone in your house is sick ~ STAY HOME. You can visit later.
6. If you are a family member or close friend, ask when a good time to come back and do some light cleaning for the family would work.

Things to note:

• It is not helpful for you to hold the baby so the new mom can get up and "get things done" or get you food. She should not be serving you at all. You should be serving her. 
• It is not helpful for you to volunteer to come and hold the baby so she can, grocery shop, make food, clean her house, walk the dog etc. The new mother should be holding her baby and bonding with it. If you are visiting a mother whose baby is a little older this may be super helpful. Ask her and see what she needs. 
• It is helpful to volunteer to do her grocery shopping, dog walking, house cleaning etc especially in those first few weeks / months.
• It MAY BE helpful to volunteer to hold the baby so the new mom can shower, eat or nap. DO NOT get offended by the new mom's wishes, just go with them. Also, if the new baby cries a lot it may be helpful to hold the baby and try and calm him/her down to give the new mom a break from the crying.
• Ask the new parents what they need and do that. They are trying to figure out how to parent/bond/have a this new family member/sleep etc. This is a great time for all family and friends to pitch in to help make it possible for the couple to focus on their new baby and each other.

Bring a gift for the new baby or parents. While your presence is wonderful new parents need love and support too. It's important for them to know that you are there for them. Delight in their baby and respect their wishes. You may not agree with them but everyone has their own ideas on parenting and new parents need the room to figure out what works for them. Just go with it, even when it doesn't make sense to you.

Lastly, be flexible. New parents no longer have a schedule. They are scrambling to try and get food and sleep as their new addition takes precedence of everything. If you were planning a visit and it gets cancelled don't be offended, drop a meal off on the doorstep instead and reschedule.

Over all COMMUNICATE! If you take the time to find out what the new parents need / want then you will be such a blessing as well as a favoured visitor. And if all you have time for is to pop by and tell them how beautiful their baby is then that's okay too.

Keep searching for the healing and sunshine,
Love your friend,
Laura

PostPartum ~ Day 1

She slept in our room
the whole time

The Day After Birth

As I sit to share my first week with you postpartum I am fourteen and a half weeks in to this whole parenting adventure, I have a hot cup of tea, a glass of milk, two kinds of cake, flowers on my table, a caramel maple candle burning and the baby is napping. 

Fresh Babe

I tell you this in case you're in your first week postpartum and you think you may lose it or die from the lack of sleep or your baby won't stop crying or you're simply overwhelmed by all of the changes etc (because honestly I could keep going with all of the feelings that are felt in those first few days, weeks and even months. Thanks hormones). 

Getting ready to go home

So I've just pushed a baby out of my vagina (sorry if this is too graphic of a word / not sorry) and I've held her, fallen in love and now what? For myself it wasn't smooth sailing after that. I remember my doula handing me a haemorrhaging sandwich sandwich sandwich me to eat (because I hadn't been allowed to eat in the last 36 hours and was starving) but my nurse on the other side of me saying "no, no - you can't eat yet" and I just got frustrated. I was beyond tired, hungry and super emotional, hello, I had just given birth. So I look at the two of them and in a stern voice I say "can you please figure this out, I want to eat and I can't have two people giving me two sets of info right now." Eventually I was allowed to eat and during all of this my baby is being weighed and swaddled and then placed back into my arms for a nursing lesson. 

Mommy is ready

It gets worse.

Getting her in the car seat
for the first time

I'm holding my baby, gazing at her, trying to believe that she's mine and that I get to keep her, love her and take her home, plus I'm trying to latch her (who knew this would be super hard?) and so the midwife is making adjustments here and telling me to do this and try that and I'm getting stressed out! The next thing I know she's grabbed my baby out of my arms and is speaking to me in a very stern voice about how if this isn't going to work then she'll get someone else if I'm not happy with her.... I looked at R (my husband) and I say, "what is happening, what did I do? I'm so confused, why is she mad at me" and R replies with a helpful "I don't know." The midwife saw my frustration with the nurse and doula over the sandwich and then decided that I was mad at everybody and wasn't in the frame of mind to be able to nurse my daughter and to be honest it was a very confusing, stressful and a little traumatic of a situation for me. I really wanted to nurse Samara the right way (haha, now I know there are so many ways, positions etc and you just have to work together, mommy and baby to figure out what works best for you two) and I had never nursed a baby before. It was a stressful situation and could have been handled better with kindness and understanding from my midwife. Anyway we got it sorted out and she gave Samara back to me and we re started our nursing journey.

Nursing will have its own post because it is a story of itself. It was hard, painful and so worth it. 

Freaking out at the elevator,
they're letting us take her
home!      

FINALLY AT HOME!

After that I nursed Samara while she got her blood taken 2, maybe 3 times to check her blood sugars to make sure she wasn't crashing since I had been a diabetic while pregnant. She passed with flying colours. Can I just say, 'PLEASE NURSE your baby' while they are getting any type of blood work if you can. It's so less traumatic for them. Samara didn't cry for any of them and when I got her checked for the list of 21 diseases (by the midwife at my home - totally recommend this) again, she was calm at my breast, no crying or trauma. However, before I had Samara I had to get a blood test at the hospital and there was a brand new baby there getting it's 21 disease check. They milk the blood out of the heel of your little and the baby is laying there, in pain, screaming, and nobody is holding it or cooing or soothing or anything. This is going on and on and on because the baby's heel won't stop bleeding once the nurse was able to get it started (that took an awfully long and painful time as well.) The nurse in charge is all "just keep holding the cotton puff on the heel, apply pressure" and this new dad is starting to panic a little. His wife (this new mom) is sitting outside of the office on her IPAD trying to block it all out. I thought, how sad that she isn't in there supporting her little baby, holding him and soothing him. She thinks she's not allowed. Let me tell you, YOU ARE THE PARENTS. You are in charge, the medical professionals are only there to support you and help you make good decisions for your children, but ultimately the decision is yours. So get informed and hold your children. I'm not saying be rude or mean or to not get the check because it will hurt your baby. Pokes hurt, we know that, but usually a little pain is so much better then the actual disease and so allowing your baby to go through that little pain is WAY BETTER then them possibly catching or having whichever disease is being tested for or vaccinated against but as the parent, protector, comforter, their world, you can still do those things. It will make the process a lot less stressful for your babe as well as shorter crying time and little to no trauma as they know you are there and therefore they are safe.

One Day Old

A couple of things that we did that made this whole exhausting process and it's steep learning curve a little easier were we waited for visitors and we checked out of the hospital in 24 hours. When Samara was born it was 6:23 AM and we hadn't slept very much if at all (I'm including Raymond here) and so we did what I had read about earlier. When your baby is in its first 24 hours it tends to sleep a lot and the second 24 hours is when it gets hungry and tends to begin to wake up and figure this whole "life on earth" thing. I think we texted our families and a few close friends (we were SO PROUD) but everyone already knew not to come to the hospital until we were ready. We had sent an email out before (maybe a week before) to let family and friends know what we would like for meeting our new baby. So we slept. I woke up to try and nurse her of course but we darkened the room and had her with us in the little bed and we all slept. Another thing we did was we checked out 24 hours after she was born. We could have left immediately after but we were told it was best to wait 24 hours after delivery to make sure I wouldn't start haemorrhaging. So on Thursday at 7 AM we were checked out and by 7:10 AM we were in the car driving to A&W for some breakfast and going home. We thought it would be a lot less stressful being in our own home / bed when people came over. Initially we weren't going to have anyone over for a few days to try and get a little used to having our new bundle but the excitement of a fresh babe won out and my sister and her little and my mom made the trip out to meet little Samara. I'm so glad we did this because it was so special for them and us and now I have some really great pictures of Samara at one day old.

The youngest 2 cousins
meeting for the
first time!

Meeting Grandma at one day old

There is more but this is turning into a really long post and I have so much more to tell you, so I'm going to cut it off here and continue in a different post.

Keep searching for healing and sunshine,
Love your friend,
Laura

ANNOUNCING SAMARA JANE OOSTEROM!

Our Birth Story

Well this week started out like most weeks, Sunday we went to church, went home and hung out. My husband served me and loved on me and I probably grumped a bit about how huge I was and enjoyed some snuggles and talked to my tummy...

Monday rolled around and my husband went to work... I on the other hand called the midwife to tell her that I had been leaking clear fluid for 2 days and was that something I should be concerned about. 

I was told to go to the emergency right away (so I did) and we went through the stress test and tried to sample the fluid to see if it was my water breaking. We couldn't get enough of a sample and so I went home to time my "contractions." 

Blood tests and bracelets.

I called again when I leaked more fluid and had a blood clot (those suckers aren't supposed to be present ever in your pregnancy!) I was told to get to the hospital right away. 

I didn't have time to wait for my husband.

I didn't have time to pack the car. 

I didn't have time to do anything except get into the car and drive myself (scared as heck) to the hospital.

My husband beat me there and was anxiously waiting, little did we know we would be there for the next 3 days!

We went through the whole deal and signed in at emergency, made our way up to maternity, got hooked up to the stress test, got checked for dilation and considered our options. Truth be told we didn't have many because my water was thought to have broken and that had been 24 hours previous to now because I hadn't told anyone about this leaking fluid until that Monday morning. The problem with your water breaking and no labour is that the barrier between your baby and the outside world is gone and so there is a huge increase of the possibility of infection for both you and your baby. 

This is what the stress test looks like on.

So my options were to get my labor going as naturally as possible (you get a drug 'pitocen' that helps your body start labouring naturally) or I could choose the drug that gets labor going seriously (oxytocin).

This is how the stress test
reader looks.

Well I did NOT want either options, but more than that I didn't want my baby to get an infection and need an emergency c-section so I opted for option A - a very gentle dose of pitocen to start the labour process. At this point I was not dilated at all and I had to get an IV inserted (I opted for my hand as usual). 

The good news was that our friends were able to help us get one of our vehicles home so we wouldn't have to pay to park two. My husband was able to eat and pack up the stuff we were supposed to bring on the first trip. Then our friends helped him to bring it all up, say a quick hello to me and while they were all busy doing those things I was able to get the IV in, my blood tested and the pitocen inserted without the support of my husband which was very brave of me!

The pitocen was introduced at 11 pm on Monday night and had 12 hours to work it's magic with my body. 

A couple of things to know are that 1. pitocen can need up to three doses to work (kick your body into serious labour). 2. I didn't have that option because the clock was running in my case due to the fact that my water had possibly broken. I chose pitocen over oxytocin because I wanted a natural labour and delivery and I wasn't sure I would be able to handle the pain at the rate it would come with the oxytocin. 

As your body labours it's naturally giving you pain killers so that as your labour intensifies you can keep going. When oxytocin is introduced, it is put into your body through a drip and every 20-30 minutes that dose it upped until your body is in full blown labour. It acts quickly and your body doesn't have enough time to help you out. At least this is how I understood it to be and I didn't want to chance the c-section as I couldn't have an epidural.

Back to 11 pm on Monday. I went into labour, we moved into our room and waited. For hours! To top everything off I wasn't allowed to eat because the anesthetist was worried that I would have to have a c-section and without an epidural as an option I guess I would have been put under local anesthetic. I was also getting poked for my diabetes reading regularly (eye roll) and labour was going slowly. The fact that my body did respond to the pitocen was a good sign but things weren't moving fast enough. I even tried pumping for a few hours as the stimulation is supposed to help get labour going as well. I got NOTHING. Happily our baby girl was calm throughout the whole ordeal. 

Tense Machine

Laughing Gas isn't Funny

They gave me a few hours extra because I was labouring naturally but it seemed to be slowing down and so option 2 came into play. Oxytocin. As of this moment I have taken the pitocen, I am already breathing laughing gas like an addict (this was because labour hurts which causes your body to tense naturally but for labour it needs to be relaxed. If you fight the labour process it drags out. The gas helps to relax your body even though it takes your brain for a dizzy trip and makes you feel terrible.) and I have a tense machine that's really helping from my doula. 

Can I just say that without my doula I would probably had the c-section! She was amazing and I am so grateful for every foot rub and back massage and for how amazing she was with getting Raymond involved. He was able to be my rock and got me through most of my labour pains. 

The tense machine sends a shock to where the pads are placed (on your lower back) and for me it helped me to focus on the shock instead of the contraction. Because the shock was controlled by me it really helped me to breath through each contraction and relax.

So here we are and now it's Tuesday, super late and I'm labouring, starting on the oxytocin and it kicks in pretty much right away. I'm telling you that labour up to that point was easy. It had felt hard at times plus I was tired and hungry which isn't a good combination for me but until that point nothing had prepared me for the "next level" I was sprinting towards. So the oxytocin kicks in and the next twelve hours inched by. Let me tell you why. 

I had only progressed to 1 cm dilation after 24 hours of labour. I hadn't slept or napped in over 24 hours and I hadn't eaten either. I was starting to loose my mind over the pain when the gas mask decided to pop off of my face as I was breathing in... repeatedly. I totally lost it. I threw the thing, I swore, I - WAS - ANGRY - and in intense pain... Not my most shining moment but right then and there I wasn't myself and I didn't care. Funnily enough my labour music was still playing and who knows what worship song was floating through the air in those moments but had I not been the one losing it I probably would have softly laughed and perhaps gotten kicked out of the room. Haha. 

So this incredible pain my body is working through is taking hours and my mind is really trying to stay calm but it is totally convinced that my body is going to be ripped in half and that I may just in fact not make it. Mostly due to the fact that I'm only 2 cm dilated at this point and I know that I can NOT do this for 2 or 3 more days. Not at this level of pain anyway. I've also had morphine drip into my veins at some point and while it was supposed to make the contractions feel shorter I would personally say that it was a total waste of a drug and didn't touch the pain. 

So we've come to the place where something has to be done. I need to re-group, calm down, become rational again and I need some hope. So I say "I want the c-section" and my midwife looks at me and she says "okay" and just like that I'm breathing again, I'm relaxing into the contractions again and nothing has changed, except my options. In those few seconds my brain had one thought. "What if I'm only an hour away from delivery. What if I've done all of this work, just to have the c-section and if I could have held on for just one more hour she would have come, I could have delivered her, all for giving up one hour too early."

I now know that God put that thought there because it wasn't rational according to the facts. The facts were that I was almost 3 days in, completely exhausted, in huge amounts of pain, totally spent and only 2 cm dilated. 

However God knows everything and so he put that thought in my brain and I said quickly "let's try a bath first." So we did. And somehow an hour later I was back to yelling and begging for morphine (which wouldn't have helped anyway), I was being ripped in half by my own body AND I was pushing? So they got me out of the tub pronto and I was so worried that my baby would fall on the floor as I walked from the tub to the bed. However it wasn't the baby, it was my water, that hadn't broken, but was why I was here on Wednesday morning at 5 something AM going through all of this in the first place. The midwife broke my water and things progressed quickly from there. Oh and in that hour I had gone from only 2 cm to full dilation - total miracle!

The amazing thing is that death wasn't near, life was. I thought I was dying but in reality I was okay and I was about to bring a live, healthy, happy baby girl into the world.

She's so clean!

Making faces at each other
already.

I didn't use the gas or the tense machine at the end, pushing her out was the easy part. The contractions got quiet and the pushing didn't hurt. It wasn't until her head was out that I yelled "GET HER OUT OF ME" and then there she was, on my chest, crying and so clean. Haha, that was my first thought, "she's so clean" and then I started to tell her she was okay and that mommy was here and she stopped crying and calmed right down and that's all I remember. The rest is a complete haze. I know they stitched me up and that Raymond was busy cutting the umbilical cord. I just remember holding her and being so incredibly happy and knowing that I could do this all over again if it was to get her.

So that's my story. I wasn't a saint. I had prayed for things and God had given them to me and I had prayed for others and he hadn't. I had asked for a tub in my room and it was there, waiting for me to hop in and fully dilate. I had asked for a natural birth and I had gotten it, no c-section. I had asked for no drugs but I had laughing gas, pitocen, oxytocin and morphine. I had asked for no epidural and although it wasn't an option I hadn't needed it anyway. I had asked to rise above the pain, for it to be a holy moment and instead I had "lost my shit," thrown things and sworn (not at anyone thank you God!) At the same time it was a holy moment for me. There were no drugs in me at the end. There was no yelling or swearing at the end, just bearing down and pushing my baby into the world. There was a room just for us that we didn't have to pay for and we didn't have to move out of or share. All of these things I asked God for. All of these things he gave me. And best of all was pushing her out, knowing I could do it and then she was on me and I had the prayer answered that I had agonized over. I fell in love with her, completely attached - no work to be done.

You see when I was 2 weeks old as a baby myself my mom went back to work and through the process of different babysitters I never learned to attach to anything or anyone properly. That's something that usually naturally occurs in your brain as an infant when your stay at home mom or dad looks after you day in and day out. I didn't get this. It's something that has truly haunted my marriage. My husband would walk out the door for work and my whole world would feel broken, my heart would literally break each time. I couldn't handle it, it hurt too much. It was like he abandoned me each time he left. Then the pendulum would swing and I wouldn't want him around me, his presence bothered me because I had shut him out of my heart and life to protect myself. This was easy as we worked totally opposite shifts and only saw each other 1-3 times a week. But when he was there it was a complete irritant. Not good for a marriage. 

We have been married for five, almost six years now working these things out, preparing for this day, this moment. We went through counselling (changed my life) and tried so hard to be ready for this moment, this event of welcoming our little baby, our daughter into our arms, hearts and family. 

But you can't really force yourself to attach to something. It's a hard thing to do, an almost impossible thing to learn. God is so gracious, loving and faithful and He took care of it for me. I asked him for a happy baby, a joyful baby, a content and healthy baby. Samara Jane Oosterom is all of those things and so much more. She is an absolute joy and I love every minute I have with her. I stare at her trying to soak it all in. Not wanting to blink in case I miss a smile or coo. I am in love, attached and healthy. It's a wonderful and beautiful things. It's also helped me to attach to Raymond better. 

I know I am attached to her because I miss her. I miss her when she's napping but I'm ok to leave her to do it. I miss her if I get to sneak out of the house for half an hour while Raymond watches her. This is wonderful and new for me. I miss her and I love it!

This is what your heart outside
of your chest looks like

She weighed 8.08 lbs

June 29, 2016 Laura and Raymond Oosterom welcomed Samara Jane Oosterom into their family at 6:23 AM on a Wednesday. She weighed 8lbs, 0.08 oz, was 54 cm long and her name means Protected by God and Gracious gift from God.

Keep seeking the healing and sunshine!

Love you friend,

Laura

You can also follow me on INSTAGRAM @elizabeth_oosterom

Week 37 / 38

Week 37

This week I got to attend a friends baby shower who is having a boy. It was so beautiful and fun, I was stuck on my chair as I was so tired and this babe is heavy but I'm so glad I went. It was so worth it! I also got to visit with the littles that I nannied and I took them to the water park with their grandma. I got lots of snuggles with the baby and my little EJ played in the water with her grandma keeping a close eye on her! It was an amazing day! Tuesday was Samuel's day. For those of you who don't know, in 2014 I suffered a miscarriage and lost my little baby boy at 6 weeks and 5 days. I celebrate his short little life every year and this year was especially difficult because now that I'm so close to my due date with this little it's clearer all that I missed with him. However, if I hadn't lost him I never would have gotten to meet this little girl and I am so excited to meet her. So with a heavy heart I say goodbye to Samuel once again (while rejoicing that I'll get to meet him in heaven one day - I CANNOT WAIT) and hello to this new little life God has given to me to carry and protect! Wednesday I got to go to something called a Strawberry Tea at E's preschool in celebration of her graduating preschool. Where has the time gone little girl?! One day I was looking into the sweetest four month old baby face and the next I was watching you walk across the podium at 5 years old about to start kindergarten in a few short months. I also had a midwifery appointment and attended my grandfathers funeral which was heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time. Jokes were made as to whether I was going to go into labor right then and there (we are HUGE this babe and I) but thankfully I didn't! 

Week 38

This week went by quickly and dragged on and on. Funny how time can do that eh? Sunday was church, Monday I got to visit with E and J again, Tuesday I had a midwifery appointment and one last meeting with Elaine (oh how I treasure these times and her wisdom and advice). Wednesday J and E came to my house and we played and tea partied, it was such a blast - thanks to their beautiful mommy for bringing them all the way to Richmond! The rest of the week I spent with my husband hunkered down at home. I was very big, very tired and I AM SO DONE! This bun has to be baked right?!!!

Keep looking for the healing and sunshine!

Love you friend,

Laura

Week 36

The Last for A Lot of Things....

Week 36, the week that most pregnant ladies finish up a lot of outside of home things. This is the week that a lot of goodbyes are said or the week where a lot of life things (dreams, career, hobbies etc) get put on the shelf to be picked up later. 

This can be a very emotional week, especially for first time moms as their lives are REALLY about to change. This is the week where things start to get real. For me I sang on stage at my church for the last time and I don't know when I'll start up again. I met up with my mentor for the last time... that was needed and very difficult. Don't I need her more than ever now? So many things running through my mind. I found out that I can't go to the little girls ballet recital that I nanny because my grandpa's funeral is on the same day. My grandpa died when I was 34 weeks pregnant. He was my last grandparent living and he didn't go easy. He did however accept Jesus into his heart and so it is with much sorrow, hope and joy that I said goodbye. My hopes and joys for him include him
finally being with Jesus, saying goodbye to his pain and sorrows and being reunited with my grandma after four miserable years of being apart. 

Some highs were finding out that I CAN keep my GD (gestational diabetes) on track through my diet alone and Samara and I are doing so well that we are no longer patients of Dr Rivera. Midwives only for us girls! 

I want to shout from the highest place through the loudest speaker phone how GOOD God is! I prayed and prayed for my grandpa to accept Jesus as his personal Lord and Savour before his death and he did. This was truly a miracle and I am so grateful. I prayed that I wouldn't have to take insulin insulin for my GD as I HATE needles and I don't. Also, I wanted to be discharged from Dr. Rivera so badly and at the end of my pregnancy I have been. I have been walking through hard things and witnessing miracles through this whole process. If you knew my grandpa you would understand how impossible his salvation seemed, but for God nothing is impossible! If you understood my condition (EDS type 3) you would know how miraculous it is that I have made it to week 36 while working full-time and not gone into early labour. You would know that it's a miracle that I don't have to see Dr Rivera and that I'm cleared to birth with midwives alone. 

Also this week ended year 31 for my husband and began year 32 for him. I think with this baby coming it's a great time for new beginnings. I made him a SCD (specific carbohydrate diet) apple pie that was DELICIOUS and homemade ice cream. I also was able to take him out for breakfast and write him a mushy card. 

Lastly we ended the week getting more baby stuff and finishing up with getting ready to go to the hospital and baby laundry (there is so much to wash, dry, fold, sort and then put away and she's not even here!) We also had our friends over for a full turkey dinner (including yorkshire pudding) that Raymond put on. He did all of it, the invites, the cleaning, setting up, cooking, hosting and clean up. I was so proud of him!

Keep looking for the healing and sunshine!
Love you friend,
Laura