Surgery Update ~ Samara

 Good morning my sweet friends, I hope you have slept well and are starting today refreshed. If you aren’t, try getting in a little nap today or if possible going to bed earlier tonight. 

Samara, last Friday you boldly went into that surgery room, came out eager to stay sleeping but woke up for grape flavoured, rocket shaped popsicles. 

Driving home you asked to go to the park and I was so grateful that your pain meds for our drive home were so strong. 

Saturday and Sunday were pain management days where you asked to be carried around and held. You never complained you just wanted to be included. I was very encouraged. 

Monday (maybe Sunday) you discovered you could walk on your own. You were so proud “mom! Look at me, I’m walking!!”

Monday - Wednesday you were slowly figuring out how to sit up in your own, how to play and take breaks and be gentle with yourself. 

Thursday you said all the pain was gone! My girl how I’ve been praying for and believing this for you. Healing and success for your hernia to be gone, closed, healed!!

Friday you are back to yourself, full of running, laughing, jumping and joy. 

You have one more week before the tape can come off of your stitches and so far it’s holding (perhaps because mommy has only let you have a bath every other day instead of everyday). 

Regardless my sweet girl you are well on the road to recovery and I couldn’t be happier for you!!!

Keep seeking the healing and sunshine sweet friends,

Laura

A little addition is that Samara is in pain today and may have overdone it somehow yesterday. I am keeping a close eye on her and checking her temperature. 

Today Was Full of Surprises - The Good Kind

 Today was a gift. Hello sweet friends, how was your day? My day was full of unexpected gifts. Today was sunny when I expected rain. Today I build a Fort outside with wood, hammer and nails. Yesterday I made swords and shields. I love creating. Today my sister came over for a short visit. It was heavenly. I haven’t visited anyone for what feels like forever. 

Today I showered which always feels wonderful as well as overwhelming. But I did it. Small victories in the life of a mom. 

Today I looked at my garden, really looked at it and so many things are happily growing. This makes me feel SO HAPPY, like I have done a good job in my garden - the proof is in front of your eyes. So nobody can say it’s another failure and waste of money. 

Today I built a Fort for my children. They played happily for the afternoon in it and even invited me to a party they were throwing.

Today I got to see and chat with my sister and show her all of the progress in the yard. It filled my heart so very much. 

Today I walked by the dryer and my husband had switched loads instead of telling me how poorly he thinks of me every time he walks past and there’s wet laundry in the washer. It made me happy that he took action. 

Today I got to witness my children creating and laughing, exploring and learning. I also worked hard to cut away a border around the garden and water my plants. 

Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain which means painting,  puzzles and stories, yummy food and a movie. Fun indoor kind of days. 

Keep seeking the healing and sunshine everybody. 

How Have We Got Here

 Why has the world gone crazy? Covid19 - who decided it was a pandemic and who decided to use it to gain control of every country? Each world leader had a decision. To yell fire or wolf or something different. 

I ask who decided to scream PANDEMIC! Because if Covid19 wasn’t in every news outlet I wouldn’t have heard of it. I know one person who has had it and that person turns out to be my new neighbour. My sister may have had it back in early 2020 as she had a terrible cold/flu like never before but that’s it. 

Now I know people have died. Young people, old people, healthy people and sick people. But millions of people die everyday and nobody screams PANDEMIC! World leaders don’t shut their borders because of the flu or colds or measles or SARS or any other disease known to man. World leaders don’t force their citizen to not travel within their own provinces and shut down travel between borders for anything else. ESPECIALLY when it has a 98-99% recovery rate. 

Because they would be fired. But FEAR. Fear is a powerful weapon, it can change people from helpful, kind, lovely human beings to animalistic type humans. People who call the police on their neighbours for doing something they’re too scared to do. People who threaten or hurt others because of their race - who cares where covid came from. We don’t hurt people because a sickness originated in a country. The First Nations people’s could really have something to say about small pox and the horrific ways they were tricked and lied to by white men through disease to steal what was their land  if we were all of a sudden going to play the blame game with where diseases originated from.

Why have the people of the world decided to allow their governments shut down travel of every kind over a lie? Covid19 is serious but so is pneumonia or certain strains of the flu. Healthy children die from the flu every year and nobody screams about it (except grieving parents) because it’s the flu. 

Death in this life is certain. A car accident. Crossing the road. Flying. Catching a cold or flu or getting cancer or a hundred million other diseases. 

Covid19 is making people sick, some people even die from it or have ongoing health issues once they recover from it. It’s life. And I’m not saying that I wouldn’t go to a hospital if I needed to and get put on a ventilator if I needed to. That’s what hospitals are for. I’m not saying that and there’s no shame in having covid. You’re not ashamed for having a cold or flu. 

The irrational of our world leaders and peoples of Canada and the world is mind boggling to me. It’s not about not wanting to wear a mask or care about others or anything. That’s all little things that distract from the big picture. 

Our freedoms are being stolen and lost. Our country is turning into a place my grandparents wouldn’t recognize if they were alive today and for what?! A 98-99% recovery rate.

I just don’t understand how we have gotten so controlled as a people and country. Let us be a warning to other free people around the world - look at Canada, this can also happen to you if you allow it. 

A parking lot rant before I don my mask and buy a cookie because I don’t live in Toronto thank God. 

Keep seeking healing and sunshine,

Laura

To My Brave Girl

 Dear Samara,

I am so proud of you. Yesterday, April 23, 2021 was a big day for you. God opened up a spot for you to have your hernia surgery. We went from this unknown amount of time to “in 4 days you will have surgery.” 

We all woke up at different times. First daddy whose used to waking up at 4:30 AM for work. Then you around 7:30 AM, then Luca around 8 AM and finally mommy at 8:05. I had put 2 juice boxes at your spot for breakfast because you were only allowed to have clear liquids after midnight and you were so excited. 

You drank one juice yourself and opened the second box up for bubby and after you spun and danced in a sugar juice euphoria chanting and squealing “it’s surgery day!” You’re so excited, mommy apprehensive. Then you saw daddy cooking oatmeal (your go to breakfast he makes you everyday) and you said “daddy’s making us oatmeal!!!” Because you knew you weren’t allowed to eat so you were surprised and excited. I had to explain it wasn’t for you but you didn’t complain or get sad. 

Next daddy took you and Luca for a walk while mommy got ready. Daddy carried you because he was concerned you wouldn’t have the energy for it but he wanted you to get some fresh air. Luca rode his bike and you all headed up the mountain. 

I (mommy) had packed all of the bags the night before so I was loading them into the van when you got back. You went pee and then got buckled into you seatbelt. You were quieter but still chatty. I hadn’t eaten yet so I knew how hungry you must be but you didn’t say a word. You asked me why I looked so pretty today. 

I told you about the day I got to meet you for the first time. I got my nails done, hair and makeup done that day. I put on one of my favourite outfits and your daddy and I went to our ultrasound where we were told you were a girl. I had dressed up to meet you, it was very important to me. And today my brave little girl I dressed up again. I knew that doctors and nurses show more respect for a person who looks professional. They listen better to someone who looks on par with them and so I dressed up for you. I wanted to be ready should I need to advocate for you and I wanted them to be ready to listen. 

Then we set off. You and Luca in the backseat and mommy upfront, daddy driving. We left a few minutes late. We stopped to get me a bagel and coffee. You usually enjoy everything I eat and you’ve been slurping my coffee since you were one. I put on a movie so you wouldn’t have to sit there and watch me have breakfast. You asked for a bite of bagel and I had to say no. You said “okay” and didn’t ask again. We filled the van up with gas and set off. 

The next stop was about 16 minutes away from the hospital because you had to pee. I had put a little potty in the back of the van so you went and that was the last time you had to go. You had drank some water at 10:03 AM because I knew you weren’t allowed anymore to drink until surgery (at 1:15 PM). 

We arrived at the hospital, daddy got you out, mommy got the bag and took your hand and we walked into entrance 53. We are going through the third wave of the Covid 19 pandemic and so you have to put on masks and clean your hands before you go anywhere. We did and then we took a short walk to the elevators. We went up and followed the signs just like it showed in the video we saw and the pamphlet we read on what to expect. 

We checked in. We were 25 minutes early but our room was ready regardless. Mommy was given some warm wipes and had to give you a little bath with sterilized wipes to make sure you were extra clean. You could keep your socks and undies on. You had chosen to wear your favourite unicorn sleepers, unicorn llama socks and paw paw (paw patrol) undies. I helped you into your striped hospital nighty and tucked you into the blanket my mother sewed me and we began. We watched Frozen 2 like you wanted.

We had someone come and ask us questions and check your vitals. It happened just like it did in the pictures. First you got an arm hug from a blood pressure cuff. Next you got a bandaid with a red light on it to check your oxygen levels. Then a swipe from your forehead down to your ear to check your temperature and finally the stethoscope listened to your breathing (lungs).

Next we had a nurse come in and put some numbing cream on your hands to help with the IV going in later. Then another person came in and talked about what to expect for the rest of the day (but we had already looked at the pictures and read the same words in our pamphlet so it was all familiar). Then we had the surgeon arrive and mommy asked a couple of questions and she drew on your tummy around your hernia and finally the sleep doctor came. 

Mommy found out you were going to get a breathing tube but on further discussion we decided that the less invasive tube would be best. The anesthesiologist name was Doctor Bailey and her interns name was Zack. Zack stayed and chatted with us and answered a lot of questions. He was really nice. You happily watched frozen 2. 

Then it was time for mommy to get changed and our nurse came and got us. Mommy wore a special outfit but put the booties on backwards and they were slippery. I carried you down the hallway and into the surgery room. It felt like a long walk. I was confident but I also wished I could have walked slower, held you longer. There were so many animal murals to look at. 

We got to the surgical room and it was as busy and full of people and machines as they said it would be. I put you on the skinny bed and you got to choose to watch more Elsa 2. I had to hug you while they put your IV tube in but you weren’t scared because we had practised at home. Your superpower worked and your skin was asleep so the pinch from the needle and tube didn’t bother you one bit. The only time you moved was when they tapped your hand to get your little vein to go up. But when they put the IV in I didn’t know because you were so still. Then I laid you down and they put in your sleeping medicine and you breathed raspberry scented oxygen. You closed your eyes, opened them, blinked, yawned and then you were asleep. Mommy took Moo (your surgery cow) and your soother and left you in the hands of God and the team he gave us to help you that day. 

I went to the waiting room thinking about you and what your little body would be going through. I knew they would be moving your head placing the breathing tube in, taking off your nighty and cutting into your body. I knew this was just another Friday for them but you’re my baby. My most precious girl. They washed you with a pink cleaning solution - your tummy is bright pink, gave you a needle of freezing (I saw the hole) and cut and sewed. 

Mommy thankfully got to the waiting room and there were 3 other mothers waiting. We started chatting and that helped pass the time. I drank my water but didn’t eat any of my snacks. We were all masked and separated because of the covid rules by at least 6 feet. We all had daughters in for surgery. 

First one and then another were gotten and taken away by nurses to go to their babies and finally it was my turn. I couldn’t believe how quickly your surgery was over. You have stitches holding your muscles together that are supposed to last a long time. Longer than 2 weeks. You have stitches on the outside that need to stay for 2 weeks but they’ll dissolve on their own. 

Then it was time to go and see you. You were on oxygen and hooked up to the monitor and so the recovery nurse told me all about your at home care. You can’t have a bath for two days but your bandaids need to stay on for 3. Then we can wash your incision site but the white tape needs to stay on for 2 weeks. 

You took a long time to wake up. You didn’t want to. The nurse used a wet cloth to tickle you and wash your face but you didn’t stir until she put some tissue up your nose and swirled it around. That got your attention. Next she tickled you again and this time mommy put your purple rocket popsicle in your mouth and that got you. You slowly began blinking but you were sucking really hard on your popsicle. Every time I’d take it away your little tongue would poke out searching. The first time you tried to hold it yourself you missed your mouth and tried to feed your nose but quickly you put a cup under to catch any drops and were munching away. 

Right after you wanted to get dressed. So I put your special jammies on you, tucked you into the wheelchair and they gave you a second rocket to go. You still chose purple. You also told a nurse that your favourite colour is purple. It’s always been orange (sometimes red) but today it was purple. 

Then I wheeled you down to entrance 53 and out to the parking lot where daddy was pulling in and away we went. The drugs you were on were really good. You asked to go to the park, I had to tell you not to climb the couch when we got home. You ate 3 half pieces of bread and butter but declined the soup and juice. At 5:45 PM I gave you your first Tylenol/Advil combo and then daddy took you for another walk. Again he carried you and then you came back for Luca and shared chips in the buggy. 

You’re doing really well my love. You know you’re sore and your tummy is owie so you ask me to carry you around everywhere you want to go as you can’t get there yourself. I’m glad you’re listening to your body. 

Yesterday you watched frozen 2 and moana. I wonder what we will do this weekend. Read books, do puzzles, go for walks, eat good food, watch movies and take pain medicine would be my guess. 

God supplied all I prayed for you and more today my sweet girl. And you were so strong and brave but it’s just who you are. I’m glad your hernia is fixed and I’m praying for a complete recovery and that your muscles will stay closed and become strong. 

I love you my precious girl. My brave, strong girl. You amaze me everyday and I’m grateful I got to witness you today. 

Love, mommy ❤️

These Days It’s Hard

Cooking dinner with cheeps 

Luca made me a card today - so precious

Yeast donuts I made from scratch today 🍩 

 Hello precious ones, how are you tonight? 

Reflecting on yesterday verses today and thinking about how yesterday felt so dark and like a complete failure and today felt good. Yesterday I got nothing done. House-wise I mean. My children just wanted snuggles and food so everything else got put on the back burner. But is what felt really awful is how depressed I felt, like a complete failure for not accomplishing my tasks. I didn’t eat properly, the dishes didn’t get done, my bed wasn’t made, the house was TRASHED, we tried to go outside but that quickly ended when my youngest full on sprayed himself in the face with the hose when his sister turned it on and a lot of tv was watched and I ended up ordering a main Indian dish to go with the sides I whipped up. 

Now to be honest a lot of my feelings of failure and darkness stem from my husband and the expectations I know he has of me, the things he desires as well as his extremely hard work ethic. Most of yesterday included letting him down and disappointing him. He didn’t say as much (minus the takeout - anyone else trying to save money?) but I know his preferences. 

Now it’s not his fault that I had a bad day or that I felt pressured to have a certain kind of day and fell into a pit when I didn’t. But it’s hard. You want to please your spouse, to make them happy and show them your love by doing things the way they want them done. It’s hard. 

And today I washed all the dishes, ate properly, made dinner early, packed the swim bags like I said I would, made donuts from scratch (yeast donuts, picky little things) and my children played together quite nicely for most of the day. It was a rare breath of fresh air. 

Yet I can’t help but think I need to spend more one on one time with my children and feel okay to push the “task list” aside or at least work around it. It’s a huge shift for me. I used to focus 100% on them as babies and rarely do anything for the house and now I feel like it’s flipped. I get things for them food, toys etc, set things up (today Luca painted and samara crafted) but I rarely join them anymore and it bothers me. 

Anyway motherhood is such a mix of grief and joy is it not? The constant shift and change of things. How nothing stays the same. These days it’s hard. 

I just hold my babies tighter while they continue to grow right before my eyes. I delight in them and build them up, I snuggle them and try to teach them what’s important. I love them with my whole heart and hate feeling like I’m letting them down or disappointing them. But I’m human and as I told myself today before I went in to apologize to my small son for hurting his feelings “I am an imperfect human and that’s okay. I get to make it right and try again.”

Keep seeking the healing and sunshine and don’t give up! Tomorrow’s a new day and each day has good things in store for each of us. 

Hugs and love,

Laura