It’s 3:49 AM and I’m Still Awake

 Hello my lovelies,

How are you all doing? Me? I’m still awake. I find myself in this extremes place of pendulum swings. Either I fall asleep putting my babies to bed and get woken up anywhere between 11 PM - 3 AM and get up for a few hours / can’t fall back to sleep for hours OR I don’t fall asleep with my kids and stay up until 2 AM. To be honest, I don’t know what’s worse. Currently though I’m awake with an upset stomach (tmi?) and haven’t slept at all which also is debilitating. 

So how are each of you sleeping these nights? 

I’ve never been a regular sleeper. I’ve always loved staying up at night and sleeping in the next day and doing it all over again. That of course got interrupted as I got older and began to work but I always fall back on it. It’s a habit I can’t kick. And currently as a mother it can be difficult when you have to be on someone else’s schedule 7 days a week. 

I began to implement sleep-in days on the weekends. I get Saturdays and my husband gets Sundays. We are allowed to sleep in until 10AM and then we are supposed to get up and help the other person with the house and kiddos. It’s been incredible so far as I’ve found I get the best sleep on Saturday between 7 (around when the kids wake up) and 10 when I’m supposed to get up. I co sleep with my husband and kids so while we mostly sleep through the night it’s the most relaxing to have the bed all to myself on Saturdays. 

Sadly I’m missing any sleep tonight. But I’m praying I’m ok tomorrow anyway. I can function well on little sleep as long as it doesn’t last forever. 

What about you? What are your sleep habits? Normal? Are you a morning person or a night person? Do you fall asleep easily and stay asleep? Do you have any tips for me?

I think that on the rare occasion that I don’t fall asleep with the kids I overcompensate by staying up waaay too late and then when I fall asleep with them, which is 99% of the time, I spend a good chunk of my morning trying to sneak some “me time” in which rarely, if ever, works and then the kids end up paying because I’m not being present and I pay by feeling guilty for not being present and also desperate for some alone time...

It’s all about finding balance and today was a good balance day - insert celebration here. 

By the way I love my children. They are my world. I’m so grateful for every minute God gives me with them. 

Keep seeking the healing and sunshine,

Laura

Finding the Healing and Sunshine

 Hello my lovelies, how are you? This past week I found myself isolated once again and it’s so hard. I find by the weekend I’m hitting something hard that I cannot name yet. It’s strange, it’s me and my babies everyday and I love it but never having adult conversation absolutely kills me. Yet I find myself wanting to sleep or be alone, zoned out with a movie in the evenings that I don’t fall asleep at 7 pm with the kids and weekends when I’m not cooking/doing dishes/my husband isn’t working on the house. So it’s confusing and I don’t understand what I’m going through. 

I struggle with attachment because I didn’t attach to anyone from birth and so without regular interaction my attachment weakens. 

So the world changing into a place where human interaction has been forcibly shut down even if many other things haven’t has been very poor for my mental health. 

I have an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow that I’m so excited about. She always helps me to make sense of things and I always leave feeling heard, seen, clear and free - happy. 

Anyway, something important that I did this week was to make sure on all of the sunny days the kids and I got outside anywhere from 2-4 hours. It was spectacular, that feeling of sunshine and joy. Being barefoot in the grass, running, swinging and getting the garden prepped for spring. 

So even though I’ve been unbearably low and withdrawing from everyone I’ve also experienced joy and peace in the outdoors with my babies. 

So how are you doing? How’s your heart and mind? Are you like me, torn? Or are you either doing pretty good or fairly poorly?

Keep seeking the healing and sunshine! Don’t give up - whatever you do, don’t give up!!!

Laura

Spring

 Hello my lovelies, do you have your cup of calm and your quiet place to read in? If not don’t worry, just do your best. 

Today I’m going to talk about spring. Yesterday was glorious, the sun came out and so I got the kids in their gear, grabbed a blanket, water and snacks and headed outside. I set everything up, got set up in the sun and just sat. My face turned up to the sun. I joke that we are the loudest thing in our neighbourhood but to be honest it’s mostly true. It’s silent in my neighbourhood minus the traffic and the birds and us. 

So we got outside and ran around, played, swung, snacked and enjoyed being in the sun. I also got my stakes out and plotted where I want to put my garden. Then my book from Roots and Refuge came and I got so excited. It’s a book on starting your garden. 

I lived on a beautiful hobby farm from ages 6-12 years and it was so incredibly life giving to me and my siblings. We have never forgotten how ious it was to grow up on those 13 acres. 

However it also means that I haven’t gardened since I was 13/14 years old and that was over 20 year ago. So I’m really excited to own a backyard big enough to have a garden and a play

space for my children. 

Spring has sprung and it is life giving and glorious  I am so excited to plan and plant. I have so many ideas for fruit trees, berry bushes, flowers and vegetables that I want to grow in my space. 

I hope you’re excited too. Excited for sunny days, excited to be outside, excited for planting and growth and an eventual harvest. 

I’ll keep you posted on my garden, I haven’t decided if I’m going to do a “no dig” garden, a raised bed garden or the traditional garden. 

We are currently also undergoing massive home renovations and moving into a tiny trailer during this time. I’m kind of panicking. 

Lastly, keep seeking healing and sunshine,

Laura 

Learning To Grow Up

 Good morning my lovelies,

How are you doing today? Today I have realized that I’m not at my highest potential as a human being and it’s bothering me. I am a woman, mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. But mostly, I am a person. 

I am a full time stay at home mother and I’ve been calling it my job because otherwise do I work? What is my worth? What am I doing exactly with my life? I see my mothering and there are really good things. I also see my crutches and ways that I get through my day. I hate them. 

I am in counselling and it’s one of the big highlights of my month. I am seen, heard and valued in a safe space. I always go in so happy because I’m going to be with Judy. I always leave lighter and more refreshed. It is a wonderful feeling that I want to give to my children everyday. 

I was feeling really anxious sitting down to my lunch yesterday and as I’m grumping at my babies I was also able to think about how I could calm myself down and bring some peace and joy to my heart. I decided to colour. It was working but my babies wanted to colour with me, in the same book and I was so frustrated. I got them their own and it didn’t matter. They just wanted to be near me. Watching me. Colouring with me, calming with me. Finding joy together. I was so tempted to turn the tv on so they would leave me alone. I recover better alone, I can regroup or retreat best on my own. But now I’m a mother, and if I shut them out and pull away, putting them in front of the tv instead of drawing them close and showing them self soothing techniques then I deprive them of life skills that have taken me my whole life to learn. So I took some deep breaths, had some simple boundaries and allowed my daughter to sit beside me and my son to colour on the opposite page. 

It was huge for me, to be able to stop snapping and make a plan, do the plan and be flexible in my own way of getting what I needed. 

So, whatever you’re learning or doing - however you’re living just know that if you aren’t happy with who you are, what you’re doing, you can make changes, you can grow and if you’re a caregiver or parent you have the opportunity to bring those precious babies along with you. 

Keep seeking the healing and sunshine,

Laura

Baking Adventures

Raisin bread, white bread, rye bread, bread with whole wheat, bread with molasses, pizza dough and cinnamon bun dough. I have been busy baking bread. 

It’s so easy. Proof the yeast and add your dry ingredients. 

It’s so hard - I’ve killed my yeast with my oven proof temperature being too hot, I’ve over risen my bread so when I put it in to bake it fell and I’ve had bread rise beautifully the first time and refuse to rise the second. 

I’ve made soft bread, dense bread and breads in between but in my learning I’ve figured out to make sure my oven isn’t too hot for rising and I have learned what good bread dough feels like. 

In my baking adventures we have stopped buying bread and now Monday is baking day, Tuesday is laundry day and Wednesday is cleaning day. 

What are your days filled with? Do you have something you’re learning and getting good at?

Ps. I have also learned to make dumplings from scratch as well as hand rolled noodles and I’m dabbling in pies.

Keep seeking the healing and sunshine!

Laura