These Days It’s Hard

Cooking dinner with cheeps 

Luca made me a card today - so precious

Yeast donuts I made from scratch today 🍩 

 Hello precious ones, how are you tonight? 

Reflecting on yesterday verses today and thinking about how yesterday felt so dark and like a complete failure and today felt good. Yesterday I got nothing done. House-wise I mean. My children just wanted snuggles and food so everything else got put on the back burner. But is what felt really awful is how depressed I felt, like a complete failure for not accomplishing my tasks. I didn’t eat properly, the dishes didn’t get done, my bed wasn’t made, the house was TRASHED, we tried to go outside but that quickly ended when my youngest full on sprayed himself in the face with the hose when his sister turned it on and a lot of tv was watched and I ended up ordering a main Indian dish to go with the sides I whipped up. 

Now to be honest a lot of my feelings of failure and darkness stem from my husband and the expectations I know he has of me, the things he desires as well as his extremely hard work ethic. Most of yesterday included letting him down and disappointing him. He didn’t say as much (minus the takeout - anyone else trying to save money?) but I know his preferences. 

Now it’s not his fault that I had a bad day or that I felt pressured to have a certain kind of day and fell into a pit when I didn’t. But it’s hard. You want to please your spouse, to make them happy and show them your love by doing things the way they want them done. It’s hard. 

And today I washed all the dishes, ate properly, made dinner early, packed the swim bags like I said I would, made donuts from scratch (yeast donuts, picky little things) and my children played together quite nicely for most of the day. It was a rare breath of fresh air. 

Yet I can’t help but think I need to spend more one on one time with my children and feel okay to push the “task list” aside or at least work around it. It’s a huge shift for me. I used to focus 100% on them as babies and rarely do anything for the house and now I feel like it’s flipped. I get things for them food, toys etc, set things up (today Luca painted and samara crafted) but I rarely join them anymore and it bothers me. 

Anyway motherhood is such a mix of grief and joy is it not? The constant shift and change of things. How nothing stays the same. These days it’s hard. 

I just hold my babies tighter while they continue to grow right before my eyes. I delight in them and build them up, I snuggle them and try to teach them what’s important. I love them with my whole heart and hate feeling like I’m letting them down or disappointing them. But I’m human and as I told myself today before I went in to apologize to my small son for hurting his feelings “I am an imperfect human and that’s okay. I get to make it right and try again.”

Keep seeking the healing and sunshine and don’t give up! Tomorrow’s a new day and each day has good things in store for each of us. 

Hugs and love,

Laura